No Think, Do Feel

Do you ever know me?
Staring at you like numb...
I am not even blink
just so you know me...


My eyes' hurt, you know
Don't look away,
Be mine and don't let go
this is me, who's you're looking for...


When will you realize?
Talk to me
and don't think, just feel
Cause I am not even care


What you're thinking is
What in your mind is
cause I just wanna know what in your heart is
what you feel—


Don't think, stop thinking!
Just feel it, what you really need
what you really want
and who you really love—

Life is...

I am not sure how it will end. I don't even know how it will start...


Well, I am always curious about life. Just because it hides a lot of mysteries. So many questions I can ask to it and the answers will remain nil. Let's take a simple question: where will I be in the next ten years? Oh well, the answer won't come easily. I have to live this life fully, through all the phases both the bright sun and and stormy days to find the answer. And sometimes, the answer which come out is away different from what we had expected..


That's life. For me, it always work unexpectedly and illogically...


Life is the best place to learn, more than our schools...


Life teachs us anything about school, but school doesn't teach us about life. 

Who Gets the Credit?

It's just me. I know.

Sometimes I just write something so absurd. Or saying something unbelievable. I mean unbelievable absurd! Haha

I just found this quotation that makes me want to write my opinion about it. It says "It's amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn't matter who gets the credit" - unknown author.

Well, I don't think I can explain enough how true it is for me. Hmm, I know people should get what they deserve, like when they've done something then they are the ones who deserve the credits. But sometimes, life doesn't work that way. And honestly, I don't mind.

Yes, sometimes, when I know my friend telling my idea that I told him, I think I am the one who deserve to get the credit from the teacher, not him. But then I realize that I feel alright with it. I mean, I don't care who gets the credit. It already satisfied me just by realizing that we both know who came up with the idea originally. I know I already accomplished something when I was coming up with that idea and I know I don't need any recognition by the others. I feel satisfied already, just by knowing that I did accomplish something...


What I did is more important then the praise that come from the others... Well, let's just say that I don't wanna do something just to be praised by the others. I want to do something because I love it and I enjoy it, no matter what their reaction is. Yes I don't care whether people like or not, but when they love my works I'll be very very happy. I'll be very happy they love my works, no matter even if they don't know who the author is, who is me. Yup, sometimes I just want to hide my identity when I creat some works... Just to make sure they like my works objectively without considering who the author is...

Scars

They are still there. That scars. I can see it clearly, even thought no one else can.


I am just sitting here, in my room. Thinking.
Hmm, that scars... one, two, three, four, five... maybe more... Because those are just the ones which can be seen. There are more that I can't see but still... I can feel.


Every time I see those scars, I feel like I am being dragged back to the past, to the pain and to the tears that drop to my cheek. It wasn't easy time, but I survived. So I do now.


But surviving is not as easy as it said. It's like holding a broken glass, you can keep it in your hands but you'll get hurt. Sometimes, I feel like I want to let go that broken glass, just to escape from the pain. But really, I am aware that this broken glass is the only thing left that I have. The only thing I own to keep me alive with the water flowing in it. So I think, no matter how hard it is, I'll keep holding that broken glass... Just to make sure that I am not gonna give up that easily... 


You know why? Because this life is just too wonderful and too beautiful to let go :)

A Rose That Lost Its Thorn

I am sitting here
Thinking about the past
When I was struggle to find out
Where I should be
was it here?
was it somewhere else?

I am sitting here
Thinking about the past
When I was wondering
Who I really was
was I just who I was?
was I just not who I was?

I am standing here
so far away from you
Knowing that I miss you
The one who stood by me when I was mixed-up
The one who helped me through those times

Now I am starring at a rose
Thinking that I am just like that rose
But I am just a rose that lost its thorn
And you should know that
the one who become the thorn—is you

who protected me from any harm..

Life-Changing Events

I never thought that I would experience it by my self anyway.

Yes, I have heard about it. A lot. I have heard about how people changed after experience a kind of powerful event or let we just call it Life-Changing Events. Hmm, I thought it was just exaggerating, because I didn't believe that someone could be actually change dramatically in a short period of time. But that was long time ago, when I only heard about it without actually witness it... or experience it.

But then something happened, less then a year ago. Hmm, I am not gonna talk about it in detail, but yes something happened. That changed me. In many ways.

My point of view of life, my behaviour, my life style did change. And there are many other changes that I can't mention one by one over here. But the point is, I believe that this is the change for the good. At least I hope so...

I can honestly say that it was the worst ever experience in my life. But in contradictory, it brought me the best lessons, brought the best out of me.

Well, I just think that sometimes the best thing in our life comes out from the worst thing that we can't ever imagine.

One Simple Thing I Want to Be

Some people say I need to change the way I dress. Some people say I need to be more girly. Some people say I need to be... bla bla bla. They just want me to be... what they want me to be. Why? This is my life, I'll do what I want to do and I'll be what I want to be. That's not gonna hurt anyone, so why do they have to be so critical about me?


Yes, I want to be good. But I have my own criteria of what to do to be good is. Everyone has their own anyway. They have their own point of view, their own opinion, perspective, etc. And the point of all of it is no matter how hard we believe in our ideology or anything, we need to be aware that the other people also have their own and what we need to do is respect it.


One person can have an idea and truly believe that it's the true one, the right one, the best one. But it doesn't mean that the others have to think the same. It doesn't mean that if the other people have different idea means they're wrong. Something could be wrong in your opinion, but it could be right for the others' opinion. That's the uniqueness of being human, we are created differently, from the physical appearance, behavior, even point of view.


That's why I try to ignore what people say about me, even though it's not always working, because I just want to be my self. That's all. Simple, right?

New Dawn for the Barefoot Cinderella

There will be black and white

Some dancing butterflies and barking dogs

even the scars behind the mask

You can see them all in the mirror

The sun's maybe not coming up

but the moon is the fire of the night

accompany you in tears and laugh

till you realise that you love what you hate

This is not the end of the world

to be a used book or the second hand clothes

to be a barefoot Cinderella without the glass shoes

That's not the point of being true

Beheld of the shadow

time is passing by, failed to get the attention

Don't be scared, the rain will wipe away your sorrow
because this is just the new dawn for the new day

Hands of the Clock

I feel the melody, pumping in my heart every time I see you... This is not a fairy tale, I know. But sometimes, I wish it was. Just to make sure that it'd last happily ever after...


I don't wanna wake up. I'd better just close my eyes and hear your voice, ringing in my ear everyday... I can find a harmony in my heart. It's full of you. And you understand it completely, I know...


It was the waiting to get a glimpse of you... So long... So long I was waiting... And I was getting tired... Maybe you would never see me. Maybe I was just wasting time to think of you... My hope fell, you know...


But wait... you're already there. Standing and looking at me. Your wide smile made my heart beating even faster. In my head, your voice echoed even louder... the way you looked at me... that way you looked at me...


How didn't I know it? You had been there, noticed me... We just never said "Hi" because we both never knew what in each other's heart is...


But now we both know... Nothing can't stop us now, right? So just let the hands of the clock stand still then. Make the time capture this beautiful moment... in this starting line of our new blossom life... the starting line where we can always look back in the future, to see and remind us where the word "us" is starting from...

The Moon

I see it. In the middle of the night...


We're lying under the moonlight, looking at it with smile on our faces. I don't know what you're thinking, but I do want to know so bad... I am curious... very curious...


Then you turn around to me. You're looking at me with "that look". The look that you only give to me. No one else... Only me...


I am so anxious. What are you gonna say? What are you gonna tell me? Oh God, I catch my breath. Just tell me...


Then you whisper it in my ear... finally... That three words... that three words that I've been waiting for...


Please, my dear moon night, keep shining on us... Don't let go... Stay with us and be our witness... witness of our whirlwind romance... all this year...


I close my eyes, remembering every second of that moment... So sweet, so warm, and so unforgettable...

My Heart's Singing For Love

Bird, can't you hear?

I'm singing for you—bringing me a love

in your beak...

You're flapping your wings

with love in your beak...

I'm singing—singing—singing—

Can I?

Have it now... See him now...

Hmm—waiting for you to come, bird

Singing my heart for a love

Sshh, don't disturb me

I'm singing for a love—in your beak

Please don't break it, please

The sweetness, the purity, the sincerity

of the love—I'm singing for, I'm waiting for

Come here bird, fall the love to me

Should I jump? To catch you

But you're flying too fast—

So I'm singing for the love, my heart is

Stop flying? Please, perch on my shoulder, 

My heart is—singing—singing—for the love

from your beak—to let him fall for me...

Sharing is Caring

Sharing is caring...

I believe in it. 

Nothing much I can say, but I believe that there's no point of what we have if it's not being shared. Yes, it's a good feeling to have anything we want, but I think we'll feel happier if we can share it to the others. Do you ever feel like you can laugh more often when you're with your friends? I do. Do you ever feel like your appetite is bigger when you eat with your family from the same plate? I do. 

I believe that naturally people will be happier when they share what they have. It's just that sometimes some of them forget about it, about how they feel when they give what they have, that makes them don't care about the others and keep anything for themselves. 

Do you think why people do not like to be lonely? Because they'll have no one. No one to share their story, no one to share their sadness, happiness, and sometimes a shoulder to lean on. 

Sometimes, I wonder why some people have so many excuses not to help the unfortunate. One time they'll say, "Sorry, I am still a student I don't have a job. I can't help them", in another time they'll say, "I'm so sorry for them, but I'm not a rich man. I wish I could help." 

Why? Why? Why do they think they have to be rich and have a job first before they can help the others? We can still help them even thought we are extremely poor and just students who still get money only from our parents. Give them what we have, even if it's just a penny. Why "being not rich" and "being a student" have to be their excuses? What if we never be rich in the end? Then you'll never have a willingness help them. What if (I hope do not happen) we die young? Then you'll regret your life (as a student maybe) for being so useless for other people, for losing your chances to help them. Do you want to be a dead man who is well-known for being so useless? Or maybe you'll be a dead man who's NOT well-known AT ALL because you didn't leave any good mark in society, because you're that useless.

It's so common to see a celebrity or a popular man or a rich man giving what they have in a huge amount. I am not surprised. It becomes their duty to help them because they are more fortune than the others. But it's an "extra-astonishing" when I saw a man, who was extremely poor with torn clothes and lived under a bridge; put his money (that he had gotten from a kind guy who had passed him) into a box for charity in front of a mosque. Helloooo? Don't you feel ashamed of yourself? Because I was ashamed of myself when I witnessed it. That man, who was less fortune than me, could do such a noble thing. But me? I was more fortune but I did... nothing. 

Since that time, I have been aware that no matter what happen to me there are still some people out there who are less fortune than me and need my help. So I don't want to wait for anything happen to me to help them. 

When I want to help them, I will. Now. With whatever I have. Without excuses. 

It's Okay To Be My Self

I am not sure when the first time I came up with this idea, but I think I have been always comfortable being my self since I was kid. Yes, since I was kid, when I had no idea what the important of being our selves is.


I used to get many stuff inherited from my brother. Yes, my older brother. His bags, his school books, even his helmet. I was okay with that. I didn't complain too much. I think that was just me, being okay to have what I got (most of the time). And maybe that's also a seed which then grew to be a stronger character of accepting the way I am. 


Hmm, not that I want to neglect my self or something. Of course I want to improve my self, but there are one or two imperfect parts of me that I just let them that way. Why do I do it? I didn't know the answer at first, but then I realize that unconsciously I do it to remind my self that I am NOT perfect. I want to have something that I can use as a marker so I can always look to it and remind my self that I have flaws. 


Why is it so important for me to be always aware that I am imperfect? Well, maybe because I don't want to be a person I don't want to be. I don't want to be big-headed, I don't want to be arrogant, I don't want to be a person who think that I am the best while the others are losers. I just want to be as humble as I can. I want to be a good person. That's why I think I can use my flaws to always drag me to the right track every time my arrogance, my egos, try to sneak out of me... Of course, most of the time, a couple of flaws and the imperfections that I let that way are the ones physically... 


Leave alone small part of your physical flaws, but improve most parts of your personality... I know it's kind of a strange principle, but it's just me and I believe it's good to improve my self as a person... :)

Taking A Risk

This is not a game. It isn't. But sometimes, I think we need to take a risk and do some gambles. In our life...


I still remember I did this crazy thing back to early 2009. Yep, back then I was a fresh student in Biology Department, UNS. It is the first university that I have attended. Thought it didn't end good, I had great experiences and a bunch of good friends that I wouldn't forget...


It was all begun around this day three years ago. It was the start of my second semester in UNS when I, didn't know why, felt this uneasy feeling being there. I mean I had been happy to study Biology even thought it had never been my choice to be there (it had been my Mom's choice anyway). But suddenly my happiness was distracted by this uncomfortable feeling to sit there in the class, listening to the lecturer talking about microbiology or anything kind of. I went back to my boarding house with this uneasy feeling's following. And it kept following me in the next several days...


In those days, I kept asking my self what's wrong with me, why I felt this way, but then it ended with one single important question in my head: is this a sign for me to take a step further?


Consciously, I knew the answer was yes. A big YES!


Then, I made the most insane-high risk decision in my life: Dropping out of my university!
Yes, it was a huge risk. Yes, I just let go my education which everyone hardly to get. Call me insane, call me irresponsible, or whatever you want. I was just following my instinct at that time, following my feeling. I didn't think too much and just did it.


It wasn't without any consequence anyway. My decision made a huge commotion in my class and, of course, it was a huge blow also for my Mom.


My friends kept asking my decision and they politely asking me to rethink about it. But my answer was always the same: a no and a shaking head. My decision made a bigger impact to my Mom. She was so upset, asking me over and over again to continue my study, at least till the end of the semester when the SNMPTN (a kind of SAT test in the US) reopen to let me enter another university or another major which I really wanted. So at least if I didn't pass the test, I still had my Biology major as a back up. I wouldn't be jobless at least. But I was very sure about my decision (or maybe just being so stubborn. haha), so I kept saying 'no' as the answer. That made my Mom barely talk to me for months. I mean it, literally for months.


I knew I felt so confident to drop out, but it's just about dropping out that I was very sure. Honestly, I had no idea where to go next. I didn't know which university I wanted to go and I had no clue what major I really had passion to go for. I screw up! I know! But it didn't make me regret what I just did... weird, right? Oh, well...


I was looking for the answer when I finally talked to a friend about it. I still remember it very clearly. I was in her boarding house when the rain was pouring swiftly. We talked about it till suddenly she came out with this crazy idea and said, "Why don't you try English Literature? Look at my house mate, she's doing her final paper just by reading a book. Besides, you're pretty good in English." At first, I wasn't very sure about what she just said, but when I gave it another thought I realized that yes, it was my choice. English Literature.


What I couldn't understand about my self at that time was why I didn't realize it from the start? Why I didn't realize that English Literature was my best choice? I always loved English, I always had good grades in it and it was always be the subject I enjoyed most at school. So why? Why I had never considered it before? I always had  thought about so many possibilities, from phsychology to IT, but English Literature never ever had crossed to my mind even for once. I had been so stupid! Yes, I had. But I was happy to finally realize my mistake and then fix it. Happy chappy! Right? :D


Okay, major: English Literature. One problem was solved. The next problem: which university?


Applying again to UNS was one option, but I still had another possibility in my mind to apply in another university. If I applied to UNS I needed to wait till SNMPTN came around in July. It was too long of waiting. So, I looked for Independent Test (it was called UM for Ujian Masuk) which was held by several big universities and usually was scheduled ahead of SNMPTN. I found out that UM-UGM still opened the registration till the end of March. So I went for it. If I didn't go through then I would try SNMPTN as my last chance...


I still had about a month to study before the day of UM. I study hard, but I didn't put my expectation too high because I knew it was even harder to be accepted in UGM than in UNS.


Applying for UGM was a big thing. It's the best and the oldest university in the country. It's well-known for its super duper difficult scaring test. That's why when my friends knew about it, they became excited and gave me good luck plus hoping for the best for me. My Mom even forgot that she was mad at me and gave me her full support. It was a crazy turning point, anyway. Really.


Then, on April 25, 2009, finally I did the test. But my heart sink even lower. I thought I didn't do it very well. Tens questions I didn't answer, more questions I answered only with guessing and only several questions I answer with confident. I was total WRECK! God, I wouldn't be accepted, I thought...


Even though I had a very low expectation, I did still have this little hope and believe that I still had a small chance to be accepted. I prayed to God every now and then, hoping there would be a miracle coming...


It was my future I took a risk for, so if it failed then I thought I'D RATHER BE DEAD! Okay, it was just exaggerating :D


And then, on April 25, 2009, I saw this in UGM website:

Congratulation! 

You're accepted in UGM for English Literature

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO BE REALLY DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Not literally dead of course. Haha.

I WAS ACCEPTED! I WAS ACCEPTED! The thing that I still couldn't believe I could achieve, even till today. I thanked God for it, I thanked my Mom, my family and my friends for all their supports. Without them, I would have been nothing :)

Much love and much respect for them, for making me to be in the place I should be for now... in  UGM :) 


And it all happened because I did take a risk...